I’m working my way in order through topics suggested by friends on a recent Facebook thread. Today, I’m skipping ahead to this particular topic. My friend Jen M suggested a topic that was a clarion call on April 7, 2020*.

I’m not a therapist. I have had experience with this particular topic though so I’m sharing my personal thoughts and process. If it helps, great. If it doesn’t resonate, that’s okay. I hope you find something that does. For now, I offer…

Hope…finding it in a time of despair.

You don’t.

Accept that  there’s no magic button. You can’t skip straight from emotion to purpose.

Embrace that you’re going to hurt.

It’s going to be your world for a bit. You don’t have a choice, so let it. Wallow in it for a while. Sit with it.

By allowing the hurt to take it’s natural course, you’ll be able to move forward. Forcing yourself to try to skip it is a vicious circle.

This is horribly uncomfortable. Probably the best method is Pema Chodron’s “Sitting with Suffering.”  Then, you aren’t suffering alone. Sounds terrible, but that’s okay. Pain shared is lessened.

So, after a good wallow has helped dissipate the overwhelming emotion, what’s next?

Distraction.

It’s time for temporary pain relief! You know all those things you wanted to immediately do to relieve the pain before you’d let yourself get past the emotion? The things you tried to do and they didn’t work or only worked for a moment? Those magic buttons you wanted? You know – Positive mindset. Knuckling down. Prayer. Cute cat pictures or funny memes. Polls about which Disney character best fits your personality.

Do it.

For me, it was watching Christopher Buehlman read another couple chapters of “Between Two Fires” with a glass of wine. Glasses of wine. Then, I played about 2 hours of mahjong on my iPad, watched a sappy romance on Netflix, took 2 tranqs and went to bed.

Okaaaayyyyyyy… I’ve wallowed in my pain. I’ve inserted some distance through distraction. Can we finally get to it?

Yes.

How? In your memories. (** Please see PTSD Warning below.)

Find a quiet place with a glass of water and do some deep breathing. Get centered. Then, recall bad times in your life. I don’t mean those events that caused you inconvenience or irritation. I mean like dealing with death, assault, life-changing loss – you know what I’m talking about. Horrible shit. Being able to sit with your pain is going to be very, very helpful right now.

Pick one where you eventually experienced hope that things will get better. What did that feel like? Think about it really hard. Close your eyes and feel it – that hope. If you can’t, then pretend to feel it until you actually do – or convince yourself you do.

For me, my hope within pain memory was magic. It lives in the top 5 the most visceral moments of my life. This is not hyperbole.

In 1992, for reasons, I had an emergency therapy session. For reasons, I was at the end of my ability to deal with the pain and was numb without even having to eat myself there. The therapist told me that I didn’t have to live like that.

WHAT?

Battling constant mental anguish was not a life requirement?

I was shocked and silent. One word formed very slowly in my mind.

Hope.

I had never experienced hope. Period. Never. Ever. My entire life was a daily effort to battle and overcome constant pain while trying to function as a human being. I didn’t trust this radical idea. This hope thing. Until I realized I could. On April 7, 2020 that memory was my pinpoint of relief.

After you find it.

Nurture it. That pinpoint of hope is the juice that makes all things possible. It reminds you that you can exist. It reminds you that there is a place where pain doesn’t live and that you can make positive choices. That you can pick yourself up, dust off, maybe rub some dirt on the hurt and keep walking.

Immediately direct some of that juice to stocking up. Actively seek other people’s hopeful experiences. They are happening all around you. Let those inspirations remind you of similar situations in your life. What you’re doing is adding to your inventory.

Because…

It will wane.

When it does, you have resources…

You now have a stock of memories of hope – yours and others.

And then…

Time.

You need to let time go by to feel more and more okay.

On April 10th, I had an animated, hopeful and thoughtful conversation and was able to think clearly enough to finish this post that I started three days ago. On April 9th, I yearned for focus and peace and hoped it would come soon. On April 8th, all I could do was sit with the pain and nurture the memory that hope is possible. On April 7th, I prayed*** for the people of Wisconsin, and bore breathless witness to their bravery.

Your timetable will be different. Don’t try to keep track of it or you could swing back into the vicious cycle of despair.

Before it happens again

Being human means we will experience the full spectrum that life offers. You will feel despair again. Perhaps you’ll be a little more ready for it. Perhaps it won’t take as long to process. That’s my truth. The hard things in my life don’t take nearly as long to process now.

If you’re reading this, then you’re a person who’s open to the possibility. This process is not for everyone. There are good people who will not have gotten this far because they decided early on that this was all bullshit.

I’m sorry. Being stuck in anger sucks.

I used to be you.

I pray you find it.

Hope.

*If I re-read this post later…

April 7, 2020 was the day that Wisconsin Republicans senators and Republican held state supreme court forced our citizens to choose between voting or exposing themselves to the COVID-19 pandemic. In a despicable act, they overrode our Governor’s order to postpone elections and keep people safe.

**PTSD Warning

I have PTSD but my memory of finding hope is connected to a terrible time that is not also a trigger. A trigger pushed me to the place where I discovered hope but it’s dangerous to try to filter out trigger memories when you’re in the middle of despair. If you’re open to it and have a safety net, maybe sort through your memories ahead of time and pick one to use when non-PTSD triggered despair happens. Again, I’m not a therapist. Find something else that could work for you.

***I am not a Christian

I don’t pray to any god. On April 7th, I prayed that everyone who went to vote were safe and able to make it through the hours long lines. I prayed for Emilio, my friend from the ACLU that circulated for dawn to midnight between the 5 (instead of 180) polling stations in Milwaukee offering front line reports. I ached and prayed.