You’d think that self-isolation, a stay at home order, food hoarding, economic crisis, uncertainty, fear, and an overload of live video streaming could, maybe wreck a wee havoc on a person’s coping mechanisms.
Yeah. I hate to admit it but in retrospect – which is really the only kind of spect we have…
I’ve been acting out.
And, by acting out, I mean like a 6-year old who’s parents were so preoccupied with disinfecting wipes that they didn’t monitor her online activity. An over-stimulated 6-year old who found the Easter candy and figured out how to use the coffee maker.
It’s time for me to do a comprehensive mental (health) run-down. It’s time to face the awful (most likely) truth of how I’m coping so that I can (perhaps) alter my personal course for disaster.
Binge Eating Disorder:
Check. My B.E.D is vigorously battling with the Vyvanse. My ingrained pattern of eating after I’m full, when I’m bored, and in the evening has bubbled up. I haven’t had a full blown binge since the Vyvanse dulled my abnormal appetite, but it feels like I have. I’ve emotionally eaten more than I want.
Consider this instead, Susan: Dog training 1-oh-1. Meaning, you can’t train a dog to stop barking but you can train a dog to do something else whenever a situation rears up that may trigger barking. I need to train myself to do something other than default into the situations that trigger binge eating. I’ve struggled with trying to figure out what that ‘something other’ can be. I even made a list of things I like. Silly, I know. But, it’s a place to start.
Perspective: According the O – the storied therapist who saved my life – everyone eats emotionally at times. Stress eating is very common regardless of whether you suffer from BED or not. So, ease up on yourself, Susan. Reminder – you’re not abnormal. You’re in good company.
Bipolar:
Dammit. Check. Damn damn damn. Sneaky, jerkface, abomination that it is. I think this may be my crux.
Uncontrollable anger is one of the symptoms of mania. I forgot. So… I did some bad-touch-uncle texting. Not like sexually perverted. More like horribly inappropriate. I let loose on a couple of people recently. Vehemently and with far more vigor than the situation warranted. Oh, it warranted some spleen venting but I may have (read: absolutely did) hit it too hard.
Avoidance. This one is so ingrained and fantastic that it’s my 100% go-to when I’m not blowing off my mouth or out my ass. I have a whole list of things I do to avoid things. Funny how much energy I’m able to put into avoiding things.
Over-compensating. Grand gestures and martyrdom are a destructive comfort zone.
Silver lining? To balance out the mania, I’ve been hyper-cycling into depression. Yay?
Consider this instead, Susan: I’m struggling with this one… Tactics may include putting down all devices that enable communication. Not giving in to the ‘write it all down, let it sit, and then delete the email’ wisdom because it’s 50-50 that I’ll send it anyway.
A possibility is to consciously and lovingly remind myself that it’s part of the wonderful package that is me. And by ‘wonderful’, I mean dope. and by ‘dope’, I mean the thing someone said I was that I assumed meant wonderful. Awareness is a big key to being more dope more of the time.
Balance out potential jerkhood by consciously reaching out to other people – especially my Tribe. Yes, if you’re reading this. I’m using you because I care about you a whole lot. I see no dichotomy in this.
More meditation and dog-walks.
Perspective: Apologizing is my divine responsibility. Accept that no-one is required to accept my apology. Forgiveness is my divine right to myself. Forgiveness is not required of anyone I’ve hurt. The people who know me really well and consciously love me will accept my apology. Stop apologizing to those who have proven that they don’t.
PTSD:
Hmmm… I’d think that a pandemic would trigger me more than it has. I’ve been so preoccupied with Binge Eating Disorder that it’s hasn’t hit in the ways I recognize. Not saying it hasn’t hit. I’m just not sure. It takes a lot of energy being a poorly functioning Bipolar person, so I get a pass on uber self-awarness here.
Consider this, Susan: While I’m practicing the self-love that helps me be a contributing and loving member of society, include practicing the skills that help an episode pass.
Perspective: It might happen. I have PTSD. Don’t fret over being triggered. It undermines my ability to practice the self-love skills that help when I am.
Suidical:
Not Even A Little. Whew.
Consider this, Susan: Remember that a lovely side-effect of uncontrolled Bipolar disorder is that the barriers to becoming suicidal are lower. I’m going to focus on ameliorating the Bipolar swings and that will help this to continue to be a non-issue.
Perspective: So Glad this is a non-issue and that I’m thinking about it now.
My Self-Inventory Aha Moment…
I’ve been so focused on dealing with Binge Eating Disorder that the sneaky delights of being Bipolar have mega whacked me.
Susan. You’re Bipolar.
Think about it – which I obviously am. Why is Binge Eating Disorder such an ingrained coping mechanism? I’ll give myself one guess. Okay, there are actually a few reasons but being Bipolar is a biggie and for the sake of simplifying this post that’s already far too long for anyone to want to read, let’s say that’s it.
Taking it on. Which will surprise no-one.
I’m Susan Scot Fry, the author of “A Year of Significance”. In 2020, I take on the greatest nemesis of my life: Binge Eating Disorder. With a side of aplomb sauce. Honest, occasionally humorous and sometimes I swear.
A Year of Significance 