Today is not a good day.

I’ve picked fights. I’ve been intolerant and intolerable.

I’ve been in near panic all day – heart racing, light-headed, hard to concentrate. All those great physical reactions that have me longing for the good old Ativan days.

I seriously want to want to eat but thanks to Vyvanse, I don’t want to. I hate this drug. Yes, I know how cockeyed that is but there you go.

Wanna know why? For reasons, I’ve been slightly primed to go off like a bomb for for a day or so. Then, today arrives and I…. I… I….

I have an event to attend this evening that’s being hosted by one of our big donors.

That’s it.

That’s all.

Period.

My brain is screaming “Judgement is upon me!”

I will be judged as less-than, not worthy, and a total fraud. This donor will immediately realize that not only are they never going to give us money again but they want the money they gave us in the past back.

I will single-handedly ruin the future of our theatre company.

This is the kind of situation that, in the past, has lead to a migraine and flu-like symptoms that lasted about 6 hours. Just long enough to get out of going. Well, for some reason, these blessed feelings of bed-ridden illness are not happening. Damn. It.

My psyche is screaming for escape.

Run. Do something, anything, but get out of it.

I don’t want to meditate. I’d rather panic.

I don’t want to take a nice long walk. I’d rather panic.

I don’t want to think about the nice, upcoming occasion. I’d rather panic.

I don’t want to hydrate. I’d rather panic.

It doesn’t matter that nothing bad is going to happen.

I’m triggered.

I want to be numb but binge eating, my number 1 go-to for immediate numbness, is denied to me.

This is why drugs alone won’t do it. A miracle drug might decrease my need to binge eat but it won’t address the reasons I want to do it in the first place.

I’m hanging on.

I’m letting go of anything other than this moment and what to do with it. I can’t think beyond that.

So, there you are. The freaky, bent glory that is me.