(I recently ran across THIS ARTICLE on antianxiety drugs fueling the next deadly drug crisis in the US and am moved to share my story…)
For quite awhile, I’ve had an Ativan prescription for insomnia. The bottle is still sitting on my shelf and is now largely unused. Under my Doctor’s care and instruction, I had steadily increased my dosage as I’d acclimated and had to take more to achieve the same results. Eventually alarm bells started going off, I did some research and decided to break the addiction. It took me 3 months of hell to titrate off – much of that particular time incapable of functioning. Of course the insomnia became an issue again. Being sleep deprived makes for some hellacious hallucinations. Probably also related was a spate of about 2 years feeling suicidal.
Benzos2

As a person who’s ACE score is 9, I’ve developed some substantial tricks for getting through and getting help, which I did. So when I say CBT saved my life, that is not hyperbole. All this time, I continued to work. I continued to keep creating. My chemistry did not define me or limit my desire to keep reaching and producing. It did make it a hell of a lot harder. A hell of a lot. On me and the people around me.

Benzos work. They are a miraculous relief. If they are a long term aid, I am happy for anyone getting the help. They have got to be administered with utmost care and monitoring. A plan with your doctor must include more frequent check ins than every 3 months or you’re in danger. A plan is inadequate and incomplete when it doesn’t include regular appointments with a person qualified to help rewire the chemistry that causes the need for the meds. We’re all different, though and if you need them, don’t stop. Be an informed partner in your care.

The healthcare system in our country does not support a positive, blended approach so it’s up to us to try to find ways of taking care of ourselves. Unfortunately, when in the situation where these medications are needed at addiction levels, it’s damned hard to think straight enough to formulate a plan and stick with it. Catch 22.

Thanks to the ACE chemical brain changes that occurred as a child, I will be on bipolar meds for the rest of my life. I am deeply grateful for them. I have the people in my life that I need. I have purpose. I take none of these things for granted but I don’t live in fear anymore.

If sharing my story helps, that’s good. If not, that’s fine too. My purpose here is personal testimony about this very real and deadly epidemic.

PS. I’m not sensitive about any of this so don’t worry about accidentally hurting my feelings or causing pain. I’m so at peace as to be insufferable.