Binge Eating Disorder + the urgent recommendation to lay in about 2 weeks worth of food in case I have to self-quarantine due to Coronavirus = A head swimming in ugly angst.
I’m going to try to lay this out logically. This will be a feat of immense focus and determination considering that binge eating disorder is way, way, way not characterized by logical, focus and determination. Here goes…
My brain is hard wired to obsess about food.
I am currently confronting that obsession via…
- Medication,
- Diffusing my fucked-up-ed-ness by regularly spilling my guts to you – aka my non-invasive de-facto therapists, and
- Seeking an actual therapist. (a whole other blog)
Doing all these things mean I’m hanging in there. Doing okay. Feeling hope. Discovering stuff about myself that had been numbed by food. Overall, good stuff.
Okay. Cool. One day at a time. Got it.
Insert Coronavirus Pandemic Information Overload and…
KAPOW! Binge Eating Disordered Brain Takeover!
My thoughts are spinning out of control AND are now conflicted in equal measure.
Be a responsible, reasonable person. / BUY ALL THE FOOD!- Be supportive and realistic while remaining focused on positive actions / BUY ALL THE FOOD!
- Be supportive and constructive about the tough situation we’re all doing our best to understand. / BUY ALL THE FOOD!
- Be a person who only acquires what I need so that we all can equally share available resources. / BUY ALL THE FOOD!
- Be a person who listens to good advice to minimize physical contact while not living in fear of living. / BUY ALL THE FOOD!
I think you get it.
Introducing a brand new weird reality
Yes, I’m reeling from the compulsion to buy, buy, buy and hoard, hoard, hoard food. My newly Vyvansed binge eating disordered brain is NOT telling me to EAT all the food that I’m buying!
Hold on a second, missy! 52 years of food autopilot has ingrained that I should always want to eat all the food. My 1 month Vyvansed brain tells me that I don’t want to eat all the food.
This does not compute.
My brain WANTS to WANT to eat all the food.
This is thoroughly messing up my reality.
My brain is REALLY confused.
As if that weren’t enough, introducing a brand new, completely unexpected wrinkle. Wait for it…
I don’t want to eat ANY of the food.
ANY. Distinct from ‘All’. I don’t want to eat any of the food at all. None. I. Don’t. Want. To. Eat. At. All.
I’m willing myself to eat. If for no other reason that low-blood-sugar-Susan are grounds for divorce.
The final indignity…
I SUCK at hoarding! Seriously! I have 6 cans of tuna, 48 eggs and 1 can of cream of mushroom soup.
I’m Susan Scot Fry, the author of “A Year of Significance”. In 2020, I take on the greatest nemesis of my life: Binge Eating Disorder. With a side of aplomb sauce. Honest, occasionally humorous and sometimes I swear.
A Year of Significance 
Hugs.
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