The concept of releasing judgment of myself smacks of voodoo magic… dark, sultry, enticing… must move to Louisiana to manifest.

Unfortunately, I’m not a fan of alligator on a stick – yes, I’ve tried it – so I’m not moving to the Big Easy.

It seems so…. defiant. As if I’d better make a case for myself before I can release judgment of myself. Of course, the case for myself would be made to myself and … oh crap.

Consider that everything is opinion, and opinion is in your power. Take away then, when you choose, your opinion, and like a mariner, who has doubled the promontory, you will find calm, everything stable and a waveless bay.

  • Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 12.22

In addition to the enviable use of ‘promontory’ in a sentence – I dream of the day I can use ‘ergo’ or vis-a-vis’ in a sentence or ‘absolution’ or ‘prestidigitation – I think I get it. Especially when Dr. Brittany Polat helped explain that this meditation applies to making snap judgements about situations, people or ourselves and that – gasp! – they are not objective truths.

As if that weren’t enough to put my whole day into a tailspin, she has the audacity to offer a writing prompt. Okay, fine. Her book is called “Journal Like a Stoic” so I’ll run with that for a journalicious moment. The prompt: preface, preface, preface…

Write down one judgment to release.

Oh, hold it right there, missy.

  • A. Just one?
  • B. Can it be about someone else’s idiot judgment?
  • C. Can we talk this over first?

I’ll save you the gory, oblique, scribbling-in-the-margins details but I ambled my way to the jugular by starting with a judgment I need to release about someone, to assuming best intentions, to even more rationalizations why I should, to why I can’t, to why I’m resentful, to calling her names and accusing her of all kinds of nefarious hoo-hah, to blah, blah, blah… Not my best moments.

As I was rant-writing this all out, it became increasingly clear that my judgment of her judging me – whether she actually was or not – was rooted in my judgment of me. See, I’d tried, convicted and judged myself of being ultimately inadequate at everything.

The biggest time suck of my life are my relentless attempts to hide those inadequacies. So, oh crap, if she judged me, that meant I’d fail to adequately hide or deflect – another go-to – my inadequacies and she was calling me out and the shame and weight of my total failure meant I might as well just die. Or get viciously defensive. Got that skill set. Or fight dirty. I can fight dirty. Or disappear. I can disappear so well you think you can still see me but I’m not actually here anymore.

  • Die
  • Defensive
  • Dirty
  • Disappear

Put so clearly, I see these are not good options. Ergo – yes! – if I reject the 4-D’s, my only recourse is to release judging myself. Bonus: A decrease in heart palpitations.

Now, I figure I can skip straight to the section where she praises my enlightenment. No?