Stop me if you’ve already heard this one ….

Please note: That pithy intro highlighted in blue means I’m about to launch into some convoluted and confusing shit. I know it’s convoluted and confusing. I also know that my statements are 99% fallacy. I know better. I don’t really believe these things except where I do but I don’t. I’m painfully attempting to state the state of my thinking and processing and motivations. Lucky you.

Please note deux: Why would this matter to you? No reason. It’s my psycho-ness. Maybe you have similar stuff but do you really need to read about mine? You do you.

Please note three because I can’t recall the French word for three: What follows will be utterly impossible to follow. Don’t worry about it. You don’t need to unpack this post. Writing this post is unpacking it for me. Thanks for going along for the ride. Feel free to skim. You’ll thank yourself later (for skimming) and be less likely to hate me now.

So, stop me if you’ve heard this one…

I’ve recently made some hard decisions. Good and smart decisions but they were hard because they upset some people. Some of these decisions actually hurt some people. It didn’t matter if it was a temporary hurt. It didn’t matter if the decisions made sense now and will ultimately make sense to them later. It didn’t matter if the decisions are for the best in the long run. It didn’t matter if the decisions are hard for them to initially understand.

Clarification: I say in the preceding paragraph that ‘it didn’t matter’. What I really mean is it didn’t matter to me. Okay, it did matter to me otherwise I wouldn’t have made the decisions. The above ‘didn’t matter’ diatribe is how my brain processed the value and importance of making those decisions. The fact that they were good decisions didn’t override all the inaccurately – except when they were accurate – projected impact both good and bad.

Clarification deux: What follows is not about the content of those decisions. That’s utterly immaterial. I could be talking about the price of tea instead of these recent hard decisions as my example. It’s about my process.

Back on track. Yes, that’s a lie but whatevs. You were warned.

Some of these decisions (or the price of tea) seriously confused some people because they had no idea that they needed to happen. They were caught out because I’d been unable to enlist them in the cause partially because I couldn’t communicate the cause and I know both correctly and incorrectly that they would not be on board with the cause.

To be fair, they thought they were enlisted in the cause (dedicated to tea) when really they were enlisted in their cause (favorite tea). Not our cause (tea we both loved). But they didn’t know it wasn’t our cause. Because I didn’t want to impose the cause on them. Plus, to be fair, my attempts to impose the cause were met with resistance. But, to be fair, they resisted because the cause didn’t make them happy. It wasn’t their cause. Their cause didn’t include my happiness. Because they assumed their cause already included my happiness or why would I have created and ensured their cause to begin with?

To also be fair, there were plenty of people who thought they were good decisions, (stopping with the tea analogy here) were supportive and just plain excited for me. But, my brain has honed the ability to dismiss those people in order to focus on the few with whom I’m in conflict. Or with whom I’m not in conflict with or with whom I’m projecting conflict when they really don’t care one way or the other.

With me so far? That makes one of us.

I’ve lived most of my considerable years in alternating states of paralysis and exuberant defiance. Dancing around the edges or being a blunt instrument. Trying to figure out how to be happy. Being unable to identify much less make decisions that would make ME happy because if OTHER people were happy I’d obviously made the right decisions so it was my inability to figure out how to be happy with other people who were happy that was the problem.

Before continuing, please refresh yourself with the 2nd paragraph where I explain that the following is fallacy. Or not. It’s fine either way.

Chucking years and years of hateful paralysis is bad. It’s not really bad but it’s bad. The correct choice is to continue to be paralyzed, know I’m responsible for not being paralyzed, be unable to stop the pain, become resentful and angry, know I’m responsible for not being resentful and angry, ergo ensuring the continuation of paralysis.

Backing myself into a corner – which I did – where the right decision is the only decision possible hurts because it was my responsibility to ensure we were never backed into a corner. Plus the pain of making the right decision.

Okay. Stop the madness. Oh yeah. You’ve met me.

All of this and then some caused me to devalue myself. None of these people caused me to devalue myself. Just the opposite. All of these people would want me to value myself. Probably.

Bear with my upcoming fallacy.

I was devalued because I’d caused pain and upset. If I was devalued, I was able to re-establish paralysis. The problem was that I’d made too many decisions to re-establish the old, familiar paralysis. I had to invent a new one.

So, I did. Full circle. Not full stop. Ergo this post.

So, stop me if you’ve already heard this one.